“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire


“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce


“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers



“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant



“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson



“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett



“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea



“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel



“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry



“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips



“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein