siampolee
Detective
Alive alive O
Posts: 13,988
Likes: 8,806
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Post by siampolee on Aug 14, 2021 9:43:49 GMT 7
Enjoy.. -----------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45
minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader,
and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made
a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you
know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? "
The man said, "Yes." The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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siampolee
Detective
Alive alive O
Posts: 13,988
Likes: 8,806
|
Post by siampolee on Aug 14, 2021 10:12:27 GMT 7
ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest Labour saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
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rubl
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
The wondering type
Posts: 23,407
Likes: 8,762
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Post by rubl on Aug 17, 2021 9:23:57 GMT 7
==> Son, allow me to offer my warmest congratulations. I'm certain that you'll remember today as the happiest in your life.
<== Thanks Dad, but the wedding's tomorrow.
==> I know.
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rubl
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
The wondering type
Posts: 23,407
Likes: 8,762
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Post by rubl on Aug 18, 2021 8:00:14 GMT 7
Let's see, who did we leave out till know?
A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied: "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."
He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?"
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question really necessary?"
She replied: "Sir, I'm sorry, but if you are circumcised, you aren't eligible to run for election".
He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"
She replied...."It's quite simple, sir - To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"! ... 😁
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rubl
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
The wondering type
Posts: 23,407
Likes: 8,762
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Post by rubl on Aug 18, 2021 8:54:09 GMT 7
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk If You Think I'm Sexy". Then I just sit at green lights till I feel better about myself. When a man opens the door of his car for a woman there's one thing you know for sure ... ... either the car is new or the woman.
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rubl
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
The wondering type
Posts: 23,407
Likes: 8,762
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Post by rubl on Aug 18, 2021 19:16:18 GMT 7
Two Mafia hit-man are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says "I must admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies "You're scared... I've gotta walk back all alone!"
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AyG
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
Posts: 5,871
Likes: 4,555
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Post by AyG on Aug 18, 2021 19:53:33 GMT 7
^^^ It reminds me of:
Two nuns are walking through a wood when a man jumps out and rapes both of them. A little later they talk about what happened.
- How are we going to explain to Mother Superior, that we got raped twice?
- But we only got raped once.
- We're going back the same way, aren't we?
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rott
Crazy Mango Extraordinaire
Posts: 3,630
Likes: 2,658
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Post by rott on Aug 18, 2021 21:05:26 GMT 7
A long time in purgatory for you then.
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