Post by siampolee on Aug 29, 2021 11:32:14 GMT 7
1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... You'd think at least one of them would have seen
it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '..If you want
to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly
see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a
muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream
to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not
unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog
is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at
him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to
put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you
look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat
bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on
my driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've
hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said,
'Well don't go there anymore!
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
22. Boy to his carpenter Dad, "How do you make a hat stand?" "Play the national anthem."
it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '..If you want
to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly
see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a
muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing
out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream
to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not
unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog
is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at
him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to
put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you
look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat
bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on
my driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've
hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said,
'Well don't go there anymore!
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
22. Boy to his carpenter Dad, "How do you make a hat stand?" "Play the national anthem."
