A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "F*** DUUUDE.... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

In Thailand as part of the Ministry of Education there is a "Department of Learning Encouragement"

The department is also knows as D.O.L.E.

A search didn't come up with this, but excuses if posted a while ago already

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and I don't really care.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my
mind.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: "That's the last thing I need!"

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."

How can you identify a Dogwood tree?
By its bark.